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I haven’t update in a while. Shit got real. I had a boyfriend, and I had to throw him out. After that I found I had what we thought were bedbugs, but after turned out to be fleas. This post isn’t about that.

This post is about my new bed. For the first time in seven years, I have a brand new bed and bed frame. It’s the only upside to the damn bug problem. It was easier to replace than getting covers for the old shit. Cheaper too.

The upside to the whole bug situation is that in my panic it forced me to give up a bunch of furniture that belonged to exes and ex-family. It’s why I have the new bed.

This bed is MY bed. My last bed, a king-sized bed that was obtained second hand from a friend, belonged to me and my husband. Officially it was my bed in the divorce, but thereafter the bed held a ghost of a memory. Then, another relationship, and another ghost.

After throwing out the most recent ex, I couldn’t stand sleeping there anymore. Best night of sleep I had was the week after he was gone, and I went to Jersey to stay with a friend because finally, I was in a bed without any ghosts. (Well. None of my own.)

Despite the sheer mass of cleaning and organizing and moving furniture and purging his belongings out of my space, this room hasn’t felt as good as it has now, with a bed that neither he nor anyone else has touched.

Aesthetically and physically it is a different feel as well. It’s a metal bed frame 16 inches off the floor, with over a foot of storage space (cannot wait to get rolling bins to store my bedside amenities. The mattress is an 8 inch memory foam that is soooo deliciously firm. I plan to get a nice pillow top mattress pad so I can have soft and firm all together.

My old bed was a box spring/coil mattress combo and was way, way higher. It’s smaller; I downsized to a Queen. (It was a King; that’s how this all happened. Covers for the mattress and box spring would have run me about the same as the new jawn did with some thrifty shopping). I have a whole bunch more space available to me now between the smaller bed and the rearranging of furniture. I do want to get a comfy reading chair and more lamps.

I admit, I like having my own room. In both situations where I lived with a partner, the bedroom was definitely MY room. My husband had his office, where he eventually started sleeping, and my ex had his ‘man-cave’, which as a concept makes me very uncomfortable.

I fill a room comfortably and am very particular. I have space for Angrboda and Freya in my room; my work altar is now back in here unlike while my ex was here. I like my closet with no doors and piles of blankets, and my seidhr stool that no one sits on but me and my drum and art and pretty red lights. Ultimately this makes sense, as I have finally started the slow acceptance of my path. I will not pair bond like this again. I ought not have done that in the first place, I knew better, and…well at least I learned.

I have an idea of where things go next. It is likely going to be hard, but worth it.

Strength;
Úlfdís

 

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Sanity Canaries

One of my fears when it comes to spirit work is that I am crazy, that I am hearing things or seeing things that are not spiritual in nature, but all in my head. One of my constant battles, and part of the work I’m doing in making myself more useful to Angrboda, is learning to discern and process through these feelings.

Part of the reason for this is because I *am* a little of what you could call ‘crazy’. Until about two years ago, I was considered bipolar, and was taking medication to treat both BPD as well as an anti-psychotic to treat episodes of depersonalization; as well I have experience major bouts of depression and various anxiety issue – OCD particularly. 

Now, two years ago, we discovered that I am *not* in fact, bipolar at all, and that the birth control hormones I was on were making me completely insane. Once those were out of me, my crazy subsided, at least to an extent. I am still OCD; however it is much more manageable now. And I do occasionally get depressed, however again, this is more manageable.  The last, worst bout of depression I had started in late December off 2012, and started resolving later in 2013 after I left my husband. Its only been within the last few months that I have been happier more often than I have been sad.

So obviously, this all ties into and informs how I interact with both the material, and the spiritual world. One of the thing I have found that really helps me with my discernment are my Sanity Canaries.

A Sanity Canary is basically a person who, knowingly or not, is someone whom you can turn to to touch base with and ensure you are not crazy – much like a canary in the coal mine which alerts folks to dangerous gasses.

Now, coal miners only had one canary, but I, and you, can have several. Here are a few examples of my Sanity Canaries:

Therapist

The first, of course, is your therapist. I feel very strongly that a good therapist is in order for just about every – including, and maybe especially, spirit workers. My therapist is amazing – she is comfortable with all aspects of my life; kink, woo, polyamory, etcetera.

I think the best moment I had with her was when several weeks after I started talking about the Norse Gods showing up in my life, she comes into a session with “Well, I was at a conference this weekend, and you MUST look up this presenter I met!” and she was talking about Raven Kaldera.  Yup. 

She has also on more than one occasion said something like “Well, I see you’re addressing x issue with y actions, but have you done a ritual/magic/spell/talked to your priest/etc?” which is INVALUABLE, trust me.

While I see her less frequently than usual, she is someone who has known me for a long time, has a good handle on my issues and quirks, who knows me inside and out – so when she says something, I fucking listen. Ultimately, what her job is, is to help me maintain myself, just like my GP and what not. I have given her a certain amount of authority and cache in my life, and as such it is my responsibility to listen to her.

How do you find someone like her? Well….its not easy.  This is my nth round of therapy, but the longest lasting so far. It was years of trial and error, looking through Kink aware professional lists, making calls, and seeing terrible therapists before I found her.  Ultimately, I googled sex positive therapists in my area, found her office, and took a stab in the dark as to whom to see based on my days off. It took a while before I brought up spirituality, but as it came up, it was a natural progression and thankfully she rolled with it.

The flip side of this is that I have to be as honest as I possibly can in therapy. This isn’t happy fluffy fun time, it usually ends in tears. But it is good.

Friends and Family

Obviously, your friends and family are other great sources of Sanity Canaries – they know you very well! For me, the two most important are my housemate and my friend whom I will call the Eagle Scout, because he is one.

The Eagle Scout is a pretty damn good one, actually.  He’s one of my best friends – I joke that when we split, I got him in the divorce, because he was friendly with my STBX first and when we split, my ex just blew him off. We have lots in common, such as both having some anxiety issues, some wounds in our past, and a love of My Little Pony; but part of why I value him as a Sanity Canary are our differences.

See, The Eagle Scout is Christian. Not Catholic, Christian, and a very practical sort of one at that.  I always describe him as very dense. Not physically, not emotionally or intellectually, but kind of…solid? For him, religion is very private, quiet and not at all immanent.  If I had suddenly become a Christian Mystic, he would be looking at me exactly as askew as he is now. Its all equally as weird to him.

The Eagle is the person I called when I wanted to test my flying ointment for side effects. He’s the one who’ll watch a blót, 

My house-mate IS kind of woo – she offers to our housewight, she does a little magic and understands energy, but not so much Gods. But she also knows me well enough that if she voices concern about a thing, I’m likely to listen.

Another is a friend who is incredibly woo, who is involved with quite a bit of this stuff, but in a completely different tradition than my own, with different experiences and thoughts, but with whom I can discuss these things and get feedback.

Co-religionists

Another place to find Sanity Canaries, and another good place to have one, is with a co-religionist. There is a member of my kindred who was the person who first sparked the idea of a Sanity Canary. For me, this is a person who currently I don’t know well, and will get to know better, but whom I consider to be an upstanding ethical person who makes good choices and has a variety of responsibilities outside of the kindred.  I looked at them and said ‘If this person thinks shits crazy, its crazy. They will be my sanity canary.”

 

Sanity Canaries are a wonderful concept for helping you processes through your own shit, and help you learn to trust your instincts and your own feelings – my Sanity Canaries don’t generally get involved unless shit looks fucked up – in fact I can count on one hand minus a thumb the times anyone has pulled me aside with a “WTF, are you insane?” They are more for my own peace of mind than anything; two don’t even know that I consider them sanity canaries

One of the things you may notices – the one thing all these folks have in common is that we have a pre-existing, trust based relationship. Someone who doesn’t know you at all isn’t a good Sanity Canary. Someone who can look at you and go ‘You’re left eye is doing that twitchy thing. Did you eat today?” or what not. Someone who knows you well enough to know when you’re acting out of character – not someone who agrees with you all the time. The Eagle Scout, and my Therapist both know me well enough to know my basic characteristics and when I’m acting differently. Regardless of how they may personally feel about my practices, they love and care about me enough to notice when something is not just different, but when something is wrong.

Do you have a Sanity Canary? Did I leave anyone out? Feel free to comment and share your stories!

 

 
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Posted by on July 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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