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I haven’t update in a while. Shit got real. I had a boyfriend, and I had to throw him out. After that I found I had what we thought were bedbugs, but after turned out to be fleas. This post isn’t about that.
This post is about my new bed. For the first time in seven years, I have a brand new bed and bed frame. It’s the only upside to the damn bug problem. It was easier to replace than getting covers for the old shit. Cheaper too.
The upside to the whole bug situation is that in my panic it forced me to give up a bunch of furniture that belonged to exes and ex-family. It’s why I have the new bed.
This bed is MY bed. My last bed, a king-sized bed that was obtained second hand from a friend, belonged to me and my husband. Officially it was my bed in the divorce, but thereafter the bed held a ghost of a memory. Then, another relationship, and another ghost.
After throwing out the most recent ex, I couldn’t stand sleeping there anymore. Best night of sleep I had was the week after he was gone, and I went to Jersey to stay with a friend because finally, I was in a bed without any ghosts. (Well. None of my own.)
Despite the sheer mass of cleaning and organizing and moving furniture and purging his belongings out of my space, this room hasn’t felt as good as it has now, with a bed that neither he nor anyone else has touched.
Aesthetically and physically it is a different feel as well. It’s a metal bed frame 16 inches off the floor, with over a foot of storage space (cannot wait to get rolling bins to store my bedside amenities. The mattress is an 8 inch memory foam that is soooo deliciously firm. I plan to get a nice pillow top mattress pad so I can have soft and firm all together.
My old bed was a box spring/coil mattress combo and was way, way higher. It’s smaller; I downsized to a Queen. (It was a King; that’s how this all happened. Covers for the mattress and box spring would have run me about the same as the new jawn did with some thrifty shopping). I have a whole bunch more space available to me now between the smaller bed and the rearranging of furniture. I do want to get a comfy reading chair and more lamps.
I admit, I like having my own room. In both situations where I lived with a partner, the bedroom was definitely MY room. My husband had his office, where he eventually started sleeping, and my ex had his ‘man-cave’, which as a concept makes me very uncomfortable.
I fill a room comfortably and am very particular. I have space for Angrboda and Freya in my room; my work altar is now back in here unlike while my ex was here. I like my closet with no doors and piles of blankets, and my seidhr stool that no one sits on but me and my drum and art and pretty red lights. Ultimately this makes sense, as I have finally started the slow acceptance of my path. I will not pair bond like this again. I ought not have done that in the first place, I knew better, and…well at least I learned.
I have an idea of where things go next. It is likely going to be hard, but worth it.
Anxiety is weird and manifests in weird ways. I never write here because I think “Self, no one wants to read what you have to say” (which is not true) or “You don’t have the education or vocabulary to talk about things” which is stupid. And I worry things won’t be perfect so I never bother to start.
So I’m going to try something new, and try to write a little bit every day (at least as often as possible. For example, already, I will be disconnected from the internet all weekend while I move.) But I’m going to use this space to write in more, and see if I can’t figure out what I want or need to say.
I find myself in an interesting place right now. My partner is moving in with me! Its a process of him moving up to Philly, and then us looking for a new place. However, this is the first time I will be cohabitating with a partner who worships the same Gods as I do, and I find myself wondering about altars.
I am planning to pick up a table or set of drawers so he can set up his altar in the bedroom, where I have my personal workspace, as well as altars for Freya and Angrboda. I like having my fulltrui’s altar in my bedroom, for privacy, and Freya, well? She wants to be in the bedroom. Of COURSE she does.
My partner is a Lokean, and I have space set up for Loki in my home as well; but what I am wondering is – do we merge our altars? Or each keep our own?
The practical part of me says “Duh. Merge them. Then Loki gets a big awesome space too, and you have a free flat surface for the next inevitable altar”.
The paranoid spirit worker part of me says “Don’t forget to check with the Gods” (which I will tonight!) because if Loki wants our altars separate, they will stay separate.
Eventually, we will be moving out of my tiny for two people and cats (I have 3, he has 1) and into our own place. I am very much hoping we wind up with a home with the remains of a fireplace – I would LOVE to set up Loki there! But even then – what kind of set up would we create for the household?
I think ultimately it will come down to who we are and how our lives wind up fitting together, but I am very curious how other folks in intimate relationship who cohabitate work things out.
“One group I never had an issue with, period, was Heathens. At the time most of the Heathen folk I knew I ran into primarily at festival space. One year, I used a different set of pronouns and had a different presentation (I’ve been Laine in a lot of circles for a long time so the name thing wasn’t an issue; it’s a delightfully unisex name) and that was that. Frankly, no one seemed to blink an eye or treat me any differently except in the ways that we socialize differently with people of different genders.
I was a little surprised there, and I realized that it did fit in well with some Heathen concepts and ethics. I was my deeds. I spoke, I told people who I was, and I acted on it. Nothing I did contradicted that. No one treated me like a man, or a psycho, or an idiot. People gave me exactly as much respect as they gave me before, and in some cases a little more for having the guts to come out.”
I wrote this just over a year ago, and wanted to share it again.
They say “The road to Hel is paved with good intentions.”
(And Intestines, the restless writhing mess,
it is paved with the teeth of the dead
from mouths made sour by words unsaid
Its paved with the sharp shins,
the straight spines shattered,
the knee of those who remain unbending
The Road to Hel is paved with the skulls of your enemies
If thy enemies are Cowardice, Shame and Fear
for it is that conquered road which will bring peace.
Its paved with the hands of many
untold ages, lifting you up
guiding you to a long Remembered place.
The Road to Hel is caked with the mud
of ten hundred thousand times ten thousand journeys
and the strange prints of those who came before.
Its lit with the stories
of the walks to this door:
“Life is a slow march towards Death”
“You have gone nowhere Someone hasn’t walked before”
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